Opportunity

As I write this, I'm not sure I will even post it.  Remember Him?  Tsegaye Mamush, our Ethiopian adopted 'son' through Compassion International.  He is 22 now.  He has aged out of the Compassion program.  Something we were expecting.  But when I got the 'official' call the other day, informing me that he was done, I was stunned.  And embarrassingly teary with the woman as I asked her many questions.

How will he complete his final 2 years of vocational studies without the programs' support?  Who will pay for it?  She wasn't sure.

Ethiopia has a very high unemployment rate(30% for his age bracket) so if he doesn't finish school, how will he get a job?  She didn't know.

His last letter mentioned his Grandmother was ill.  Will he have to care for his younger sister instead of school?  How old is she and is she supported by Compassion?  She could not answer.

I am finding it hard to let go of someone I have never actually held.

So in my emotional state I threw an e-mail to my friend.  She knows people.  Actually, she was lucky enough to meet Tsegaye in our stead.  Maybe she knows a way.

Compassion allows for a last gift of money that will go to the child 100%, however, his area is so poor, how safe would that money be with him?  How could a young 22yr. old make it last for 2 years?

My friend knows someone, he is trustworthy, but busy, very busy.  She advises it would be better to pay the school than to just hand over a large amount of cash to Tsegaye.  But it is hard to arrange by e-mail.  Ethiopia, it seems, does not work like that.  It works better face to face.

My friend is going in May, and has invited me along.   There, I could arrange things for him.  Ensure as best I can, that he finishes school.  Meet him and his sister and Grandmother.  Have a cultural guide.

I cannot imagine leaving my girls.  (I cannot imagine telling them I am leaving either)  I am typically not so good without them.  I am ok for the first few days, but after that I tend to go a little wonky.  It's for about a week.  What would I do with the girls?  Wayne works at 5am.  What do you do with 3 kids at 5am?  Clearly I would need to either send them to someone else's house, or have someone come and stay while I am gone.  And who, knowing the sleeping habits of my baby, would sign up for that?

Here's my dirty secret, I think sometimes, occasionally, every so often, that Motherhood is...boring.  There.  I said(typed) it.

sigh

It's just that the consistency that kids require in regards to their schedules is so routine that it makes it hard to have many adventures, at least in the age bracket mine are and have been for the last 8 years.  And so I feel like I am lulled into this false sense of living.  I know that as they get older, we and they will be up for bigger things.  But right now everything is so much the same, day to day.  Sometimes, occasionally, every so often, it feels like I might be missing the point.

But what if?

What if I could arrange it and I could part with them for a week.  What if I could set this up and finish what we have started with Tsegaye.  He has asked in every letter for us to come.  The thought makes me teary and nauseous at the same time.  What is better for my girls?  To stay here and keep their environment constant, or to see me leave to advocate for someone who has nothing?  Would they get it?

If all the moons and stars align(that is a big if), would I regret not going?  Will I look in the mirror satisfied with the effort I put into this small boy who is now a man.  Can I justify the significant money it will take to make it happen?  If he were actually my child, would I even hesitate?

All this sounds grandiose as I reread it.  But the logistics are daunting.  I got panic attacks the last time I scheduled a flight without my brood.  Denver will likely cry for a good 2 weeks before I leave, daily.  Adalyn still wakes in the middle of the night calling for me, though she would survive, of course, would her fill-in caretaker??  We finally have a beginning to some financial footing, is it smart to use so much of it for this?  Is there no other way to arrange it?  And how to arrange it with him, a young man with no resources that does not speak English.  He has no phone, no e-mail, though I am praying he knows someone who does.

So I will ask you, dear reader, to comment.  I hardly ever do that since I'm kinda scared no one will and I'll feel weird pangs of cyber-rejection.  But I need the wisdom of elders, or others at least.  So even you non-commenters, what do you think?  Not that I will be obligated to do as any of you suggest, I want to make that clear.  But I have made mistakes in the past in part due to my reticence to share or ask for advice.  And this might be too big to mess up.